The Women
by ThyDeviousViolet
Summary: All those years ago, he was a husband and a father. After the chaos, he became a lover and a devoted guardian. Cover Joel's past, present, and future while we discover the journey of his character development through the women in his life. Non-linear story line. Joel/Ellie (in later chapters).
1. Lies and Promises

_A series of one-shots to follow Joel's relationship with each of the important women in his life, and uncover the past, present, and future. I have always wondered what his ex-wife was like, why they divorced, what he meant to Tess, and how different his personality was before Sarah's death (plus more unanswered questions relevant to his character development)._

_Non-linear story line, and eventual suggestion of a Joel/Ellie relationship... but all in good taste._

_Reviews much appreciated!_

_SPOILERS if you have not finished "The Last of Us"!_

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><p><strong>2033 (present day)<strong>

Without even a blink, Joel's eyes penetrated into Ellie's with an intensity they had never shared before that moment.

"I swear," he promised, and would not allow even a pause for her to see right through the lie he had conjured.

The silence between them was loud.

After a long moment of looking into one another, Ellie nodded, and Joel quickly turned around to continue toward Tommy's settlement. Guilt twisted inside his stomach in violent agony, and yet his face remained hardened on the outside. Ellie's light footsteps sounded father behind him than he was typically accustomed to, and on any other day he would have demanded that she stay on his ass. But, now, he could not have been more relieved to be alone with his thoughts.

A slew of contradictions raced within his mind: Why had he essentially obliterated the only hope for mankind's return to normalcy? _It don't matter...after all we been through, I couldn't let her down. _What if Ellie would have preferred to die for the good of the cause...? _No...t__hat...that ain't a decision for a little girl to make_. Who was to say that Joel was the one solely responsible for Ellie's decisions anyway? _I ain't her daddy._ And what if Ellie would have preferred to die than to spend her days doing God only knows what to survive in a terrible world? _Maybe she woulda been better off at peace with herself in death._

Most importantly, however, Joel understood his rationality to the core of the issue, although it bothered him more than he would admit to himself. To put it bluntly, Joel could not fathom a life worth living had she not been around. There was also no possible way he would have that on his conscience, and he knew that the loss of her life would truly send him into a bleak veil of dread that could only be escaped by the "easy way out".

A man could only take so much sadness in one lifetime.

So, when he acted out of selfish desire, it did not feel to him that he had saved her life, because his reasons were not for her well-being alone. And, God forbid she ever realize what he had done for her, then to realize that he had lied to her face all along. Ellie did not enjoy her dependence on Joel, much to his humor at times, but she hated dishonesty most.

But, he had killed Marlene...and with it, he killed the secret of his actions.

If it meant saving Ellie from the whirlwind of agony that awaited at the end of the truth, he would hide behind his lie for the rest of his life. She meant that much to him.

"Joel..." she called from behind, and interrupted his thoughts. He turned around slowly, and tried to wipe the obvious despair from his face.

"What now, Ellie?" he demanded with impatience, as he still recovered from the blatant lie he had just told in the heat of their moment, although he was sure that she would interpret it as annoyance toward her constant chatter.

"I just wanted to say...I'm...glad that after all this I'm still with you. You never let me down," she expressed, eyes filled with an innocence that melted his heart. As he considered her words, he took a deep breath, and then closed his eyes. _Ignorance is bliss, Joel, you just keep on telling that to yourself and don't ruin this for her_.

"...You know, you might be a pain in my ass, but I'm sure as hell glad I'm still with you, too," he said after a long pause, in an attempt to salvage what was left of his sanity. Perhaps if he could lighten the mood, he could deal with his guilt alone at some other time. A brilliant smile painted Ellie's face, and Joel could not help but have a small smile form at the corner of his lips.

"Hey, because we're past all the difficult stuff now, does this mean I'll get more sarcasm out of you? I kind of hope so, because sometimes you're just like, this stick in the mud guy, and if we're gonna be spending all this time together at Tommy's I need to know that you can make me laugh. It's an important quality, I mean you must have been funny back in the day right?" she rambled on, and ran to catch up with him. Joel playfully ruffled her hair, and she shoved him back in response.

_Thank God,_ he thought to himself, _things might get back to the way they used to be quicker than I thought_.

"I'm not a comedian, Ellie. Not now, not ever," he scolded, but she knew to ignore his rough tone because she could see the hint of a smile in his eyes.

"You must have been funny or something. You were married once...I read somewhere that women like men who are funny," she continued, and the playful look in Joel's eyes departed quickly.

"Ellie..." he warned.

"Okay, okay, so I guess you were never funny. Hmm, well maybe you were just really good-looking," she continued to blare her thoughts out loud.

"Ellie," he warned more severely.

"What?! I mean jeez, I'm just making conversation. I don't know that much about your old life and that should change. Like, what did your wife like about you? And what did you like about her?" she urged, eyes wide, but she knew internally that her efforts to get him to open up might be futile.

"Dammit, Ellie I am not gonna have this conversation with a fourteen year-old girl. Now hush up," he avoided the question.

"Hey, I'm almost fifteen! Why do you never talk about your wife...I know it might be painful but maybe you'll feel better if you let it out," she said, the tone more serious.

"I got nothing to let out. And that's the end of that," he raised his voice, and glared into her eyes until she finally accepted his stubborn rejections.

Almost to Tommy's, however, he found himself reflecting on the days that he was married, although they were short lived. Joel was not a man to dwell on the past, because of the pain that is inflicted on the present, but Ellie's questions raised some serious questions of his own.

_What did she like about me? _With the knowledge he now had about himself, he also considered what in the world he had found so attractive in the woman he once called his wife all those years ago.

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><p><em>Review please! I promise it will pick up the pace soon, but I wanted to start at the end of the game. Next chapter we'll go 30 years into the past.<em>


	2. Young Love

**2000**

The night was more bright than usual, and the moon cast some sort of dream-like glow on the forest around them. Joel fidgeted in the drivers seat with nervous anxiety, and he eyed his companion carefully, unsure of what was the most appropriate move to make next. It wasn't so much that he was inexperienced-although the few kisses he had given to other girls his age might not be enough to brag about- but she had looked so damn _good_ as she sat right there next to him.

Dark blonde hair dangled around her bare shoulders, and her _eyes, _those hazel eyes that pierced into his without any hesitation, were enough to speed up his heart rate. Yes, he'd always been attracted to blondes, but this girl was different in a whole new sense.

"Joel, you look like you've done seen a ghost out there," she taunted and broke the silence, and forced a smile across his young face. The light tone of her voice, obviously thick with country accent, gave him satisfaction that they at least shared one thing in common. However little it may have been, at least in one small way the two of them were somehow bound by a similar force.

"No ghosts tonight, just you and me darlin'," he replied with an obvious blush on his face.

"You know, you brought me all the way out here, but you aren't even talking to me. Everything was fine at dinner-"

"-Yes! Yes it was, dinner was perfect. I...I don't want you thinkin' that I haven't had a great time with you, Vera..." he interrupted, and began to fidget with his hands again.

"A great time..._but_...?" she urged him, clearly impatient, and Joel could not help but smile again.

"You know I can't talk to you when you look at me like that," he gushed, and placed his rough hand against her soft cheek. In that moment, she too seemed to melt with him, although it was short-lived.

"Stop gettin' sidetracked and tell me what's on your mind!" she said after the moment had passed. Joel frowned, and he crossed his arms before he turned his head to look out the window.

"How long are you and I gonna do this together, huh? This sneekin' around, where you can't tell your daddy where you're goin'...it just ain't right no more. And I'm gonna put a stop to this tonight," he vented, and still could not look in her eyes, for fear that his words would mean nothing if her charm poisoned his mind like it had done for the past four months.

"Joel, I will be eighteen in less than two years, and as long as he doesn't find out until then, he won't matter anymore. We'll be movin' away to college, far away from him and this dinky little town. We've had this conversation before," she said, almost annoyed.

"How you gonna pay for college if your daddy refuses to help you because of me? You ever think about that?" he continued, and she nodded.

"Joel, I'm bound to get some scholarships, and I'll take out loans for everything else. Baby, there's nothin' to worry about," she tried to console, but he shook his head fiercely.

"It ain't gonna be enough, Vera. It might all seem fine now, but there's always unintended costs they don't tell you about. And you need your daddy! Every girl needs their daddy," he explained.

"It will be enough Joel! And I don't need anyone but you," she urged, and he cringed at her immaturity.

"C'mon, let's be serious about this: Do you really plan on you and I just being perfect for the rest of our lives together!? You're a smart girl, but that ain't a very smart thing to say," he said, and did everything he could to keep from explosion.

"What do you mean? I thought you wanted to spend your life with me!" she said in outrage.

"I'm not sure. But let's change this subject to me. How am I gonna come close to payin' for college? And baby, I ain't even college material... I'm...I'm not smart like you, I'm just good with my hands. That's all I'll ever be," he confirmed his thoughts out loud.

"You could major in something easy! That way, you could have a degree to add credibility to that business you always wanted to start on your own..."

"Vera, I'm not gonna lie to you, I _want_ to try college out, but I don't have the money to throw away if it doesn't go to plan. I do not have that luxury, and you won't either if you don't fix things with your Dad!" he continued, and her face fell significantly.

"So...we're over? This is over?" she said after a long pause, and Joel felt sick to his stomach when he realized the pain in her eyes.

"...Baby, please don't say it like that. I wasn't planning on ending it tonight anyway, but eventually...it would have happened. Sooner rather than later might be better for you," he began.

"Wait...before all this crazy talk, what did you bring me up here for?" she said, and her eyes lit up completely. Joel suddenly became nervous again, and huffed air loudly through his mouth. Apparently all they had discussed was futile, but most of all it was because he did not have the strength to resist her.

"We parked, Vera, what do you think I brought you up here for?" he said in exasperation.

"Did you wanna go all the way?" she taunted with a smile on her face, and he twisted his face in disgust.

"No! I brought us up here so we could be alone...maybe make-out or somethin', but I didn't bring you up here to have sex with you! What kind of man do you think I am?" he demanded, clearly upset that she had assumed he would do a thing like that.

"That's what I like most about you, Joel...you're not a boy, you're a man," she praised seductively, and trailed a finger down his chest. Joel froze, unable to blink or breathe.

"Vera..." he warned.

"Joel, shut up," she demanded in a whisper, and climbed out of her passenger's seat into the driver's, before she kissed the side of his neck.

"Baby I...I don't have any condoms...I haven't bought any yet," he said, eyes wide because he clearly had no experience whatsoever in this situation. Vera did not seem to mind, and she continued to kiss all over his strong body.

"It's okay, really," she said, and he was confused by this statement.

"What do you mean by-"

"Joel, I said don't worry" she interrupted, and at this point in the situation he realized that nothing he was able to say could prevent what was about to happen between them.

In fact, he was not sure that he wanted to stop at all.

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><p><strong>(7 weeks later)<strong>

The sun had not quite risen, but Joel was wide-awake as he made his way to Vera's house. On Friday mornings, her dad went into work early, so it was safe to pick her up for school. Since the night in the woods, their relationship had been better than ever, and Joel was slightly more convinced to stick it out with her for the long-term. After all, he had never wanted to hurt her feelings, and hurting her would have involved hurting himself in the process.

As he waited outside her house, he laughed to himself. All this time, Vera had urged him to stop being so practical and to act his age, and finally, after 16 years, he had managed to do just that. These past few weeks had been exhilarating! Never had he been so carefree and happy, and when he lost his virginity with the girl of his dreams, it was almost as though the cards were finally right for Joel.

The door opened, and Joel turned to look at his girl.

"You okay? You don't look too hot," he noted, and she stared at the floor, thick with pallor on her face.

"I think it's just somethin' I ate, I'll probably be okay later on," she suggested, and with a nod, Joel pushed the pedal and headed for the school.

Not even halfway there, however, Vera begged for Joel to stop the car. As he did as he was told, she opened the door before the car had even come to a complete stop, and began to retch violently. Joel sat there for a moment, unsure of what to do, before he pulled a napkin out of the glove compartment. When she had finished, she sat with her head against the seat and her eyes closed, then Joel handed her the napkin to wipe her mouth off.

"You're not well enough to go to school, I'm taking you home," he decided, but she shook her head.

"Joel...I ain't sick," she tried to explain, and immediately, Joel froze.

"...What do you mean?" he asked, although he already knew the answer.

"What do you think I mean?" she spat with indigence.

"No, no, no, no. When I told you I didn't have a condom, you said it was okay! You said not to worry!" he yelled, and felt his world come crashing down. Vera looked as though she might cry.

"I just meant that I was emotionally okay..." she admitted pitifully.

"You aren't on birth control!?" he asked, and raised his voice more.

"You know my Dad would never let me, " she managed to choke out, and then she began to cry softly.

Joel sat there for a minute in rage, before he began to hit the steering wheel as hard as he could.

"Our lives are over, Vera. We've really fucked it all up," he spat, and Vera began to sob.

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><p><em>Next chapter up soon! Thank you so much for the reviews.<em>


	3. The Sound of Silence

_Long chapter! Thank you so very much for the support. If you finish this chapter, please read the author's note at the end. Very important dear readers!_

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><p><strong>2001 (Nine Months Later)<strong>

"Vera, baby, wake up," Joel mumbled with a sleepy growl in his voice, as he gently nudged Vera on the hospital bed. Immediately, she awakened, and it saddened him that she was so restless. Almost on queue, she glanced around the room, and her face fell.

"Where's daddy?" she asked, although she already had a faint idea of what had occurred while she was asleep.

"...he's gone..." Joel said after a long pause.

"He isn't comin' back," she stated, with tears pooled in her eyes.

"No, Vera, he ain't," Joel said, and a twinge of anger hung in his voice. In truth, Joel was surprised that Vera's father had even come to visit at the hospital at all, although he did not stay long, and he left more angry than he had been before when he realized that they intended to keep the child. When they had told him about the pregnancy, he immediately kicked his own daughter, his own _flesh_ and _blood, _out of the house, although it did not surprise Joel in the slightest. Joel's impression, as well as Vera's constant complaints, reaffirmed in Joel's mind that her father was a selfish and angry man. Now, his actions had morphed this assumption into truth.

They were alone together, and were forced to make it on their own. Soon after the baby news, they were married without ceremony. Vera had dropped out of school, but planned on getting her GED when the time was right, so that she could go to college after their baby was born. Joel, on the other hand, had already finished school, but worked two jobs to save enough money to pay for the rent and support the two of them before the child came into the world.

They were terribly unhappy. Sometimes, days would pass without a word being spoken between the both of them. Love, or whatever they had assumed that word meant, was no longer in the picture. Obligation had replaced affections, and although he would never tell her, it seemed evident that Joel despised Vera and himself. Vera could not blame him, because she too felt the same way.

Yet, Joel was a good man, and she knew that he would never leave her. This bothered her more than she would ever admit. She so badly wanted to love him, and to be loved by him, but circumstance would not allow it. In all honesty, she felt guilty for the poor soul. Over the course of her pregnancy, she had become more detached, and Joel was aware that this had formed into depression. For this reason, he refused to bother her, and the space between them had grown to irreconcilable differences.

"I know," Vera said, and interrupted both of their thoughts. They smiled sad smiles at one another.

"You thought up any names...?" he questioned, after a moment, in the hope to lighten the mood.

"If it's a boy, I thought of Carson or Andrew..." she said, and was lost somewhere in her thoughts when a small smile came across her face. Pehaps the baby would allow them happiness once again.

"What if it's a girl?" he said after a small chuckle.

"If it's a girl...how do you like Sarah? I just hate all the girl names. I think I'm better with boy names, they seem so much more creative and strong," she said.

"Sarah..." he threw the word around his mouth,"...I like it. Simple and sweet."

Almost on queue, another contraction rippled through her body, and she took a deep breath. Joel grabbed her hand, and rubbed her head softly.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked her in a small voice, and did not have the heart to look at her.

"No, but we don't have a choice," she admitted, and pressed the button for the nurse to come into the room because the pain had become unbearable, and the minutes between her contractions seemed to have shortened.

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><p>Joel sat in the waiting room, and nervously fidgeted in his seat. Upon the stress of the labor, Joel had been ordered to leave the room because he had appeared to lose all the color in his face, and the medical staff did not have it in them to attend to another faint-hearted husband. In all honesty, it was not the grotesque aspects of the birth that concerned him, but rather the fact that his life would never again be the same. The future weighed down on him with a heaviness that made him nauseous, and he had been sick multiple times in the 4 hours that Vera was away from him. Never had he felt so pathetic and selfish. Not once did it concern him about Vera's safety, and he openly admitted to himself that he could not bring himself to care for the safety of their child.<p>

How could a man, or rather, a boy, so young love a child that was not planned? None of it mattered. Joel was stuck in his position, and would be there for life.

"Sir?" a voice called from the doorway. Joel looked up immediately.

"Yes?" he said, and felt sick once again but forced himself to keep it together.

"Your wife had her baby. A beautiful little girl, sir, with a good set of lungs. You can go see them, if you'd like," the doctor suggested, and Joel nodded before he rose to his feet and made the long journey down the hallway to the room.

The walls closed in around him, and he continued to stumble down the hallway, a struggle to keep himself upright as he began to see spots, and felt his lips go numb. _Goddammit, get yourself together. Rise to the occasion... _He paused outside the door, and gripped the frame to keep himself upright before he took a seat on the floor, with his back against the wall. Knees up, he placed his head between his legs to get more blood flow to his brain. Thankfully, it was late at night, and he could be alone for the duration of his breakdown. After about five minutes of deep breathes, he rose, and paused at the entrance the room with a forced smile on his face.

Joel knocked softly on the door, and entered to a scene that would forever be embedded in his mind as the moment that changed his life forever.

Vera sat on the bed, and looked haggard but content, with a small, pink bundle in her arms. With a genuine smile that he had not seen in months, she gestured silently with a nod of her head for him to come sit next to her to take a peek at what they had created.

He took a deep breath, and slowly walked over to their side, fully prepared to feign happiness so that Vera would not be insulted. And yet, the moment that he sat down, the small bundle in her arms made a small gurgle, and turned its little face in his direction.

Time stopped.

Like clockwork, he reached out to hold the baby, which was something he had never done before, but when she was placed in his arms it did not seem to matter in the slightest. No longer was he Joel the man, an insignificant figure in the universe; he was Joel the father, and now he was aware that he meant the world to the amazing bundle in his arms that seemed to love him unconditionally. Tears flowed down his face, and with a strong finger he caressed the baby's red little cheeks, and her button nose. Then, in the moment that sealed the deal, the little angel took her small hand and grabbed his finger.

"My God...Sarah, right?" he marveled, and finally looked at Vera, who also cried.

"You ever see anything like that? Anything that perfect?" she urged, and Joel shook his head.

"Here I was worried that I wouldn't feel anything...I was so wrong. I'm glad I was wrong," he admitted, and laughed.

"I thought the same thing, but I was afraid to tell you," she said, and wiped her eyes. Perhaps they had more in common than he had assumed.

"What I said before...when I found out you were expectin'...about our lives being over...I'm sorry. That was selfish," he apologized, and she nodded.

"It was very selfish, but you were supposed to be selfish then. Being selfish now, however, would not be tolerable," she told him sternly.

"I know that now. I'll never do anything like that again," he promised.

"I love you, Joel," she said, and he cringed internally but kept composure on the outside.

"Love you too, baby," he lied, and felt terrible inside, but he felt it was more important to keep her happy.

Although he was glad to realize that as a father, he had felt the correct reaction of love upon seeing his daughter, the same could not be said about his wife. More than anything, he wanted to try to love her again, but he was not sure that he had ever loved her to begin with. Young love was often skewed by hormones and expectations, and that was no doubt what had happened to them. Perhaps he knew that when she had suggested so long ago that they share their lives together, but then it was not a priority to set boundaries.

"When do we all get to go home?" he asked, attention on Sarah again as he continued to stare at her precious features.

"Two days, three at most," she said.

In time, maybe everything would work itself out, and they could function together as a happy, normal family.

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><p><strong>Two Months Later<strong>

Sarah cried, all day and night, without break. Joel was thoroughly convinced that colic was the epitome of evil.

Some days he felt good that he was never home, and that he worked two jobs, because there he could experience the silence that his sanity depended upon. However, his love and devotion to his baby girl were unprecedented, and when he came home, he often did not sleep, not only because Sarah's cries prevented him, but because he could not imagine not being by her side. All night he rocked her, in the hopes that his love could take her pain away, and provide Vera and him with an environment suitable for a healthy mind.

Often he wondered how Vera would function in this environment all day, but he was not sure she could function at all.

Joel sometimes worried about Sarah's safety while he was away, although he was not sure if it was him being an over-protective parent, or if he was correct in his judgment that Vera's mental state had deteriorated rapidly after Sarah was born. When he would come home, often he found Vera staring at the walls, unable to find the strength deal with the baby. There were times were he wondered if she did that all day, and went without caring for the baby.

Sarah had developed sever diaper rash on top of the colic, which must have been very painful for the poor baby, and his only assumption was that she had developed it due to her mother's neglect while he was away. The house was also a mess, and although he did not expect her to clean because she was his wife, he did expect her to clean because she was home all day and the house clearly needed it. Joel did not have the heart to confront Vera about this, because he did not want to send her over the edge, and so he also took on that role as well.

So very badly, he wanted her to talk to a professional, and allow her to get better. Professionals cost money, however, and without ample funds or insurance, there was no way in hell Vera could get the help she may have needed. Joel assumed he would continue to pay the medical bills from Vera's pregnancy and labor for the rest of his life with how expensive hospitals were without insurance.

Who was he to be upset that his wife could not function? All her dreams had been taken away with the birth of their child. All the friends she had ever made had moved away to college like young people were supposed to do, and yet here she was stuck at home with a husband and a baby. Yes, it was all their fault that they had created a baby, and he took responsibility for their situation, but he still felt that she was allowed to feel like her freedom had been taken away.

And then, he also wondered about baby blues. Those were normal, right? Was this just something that would come and go with the passage of time? As far as he knew, all she did was eat, sleep, and stare at the walls. When he tried to talk to her, however, she refused to listen or even reply.

One day, however, he simply could not take Vera's silence and neglect, and Sarah's cried filled the small house, which added to the already high tension. As he rocked her, he glared at Vera, in her customary position on the floor.

"Vera," he said severely, but she did not answer.

"Vera!" he spat, and she turned to look at him slowly.

"Listen I don't know what you're going through, but I want to understand, because we can't live like this," he began, but she did not seem to understand.

"...What?" she said, and Joel felt anger boil inside his veins. However, he took a deep breath, because he did not want to offend her by getting angry.

"I know you're sensitive right now, but you need help. And I don't know that I can give it to you," he admitted, and she nodded.

"How will I get help, Joel? You going to get me a psychiatrist? You going to send me away somewhere with money we don't have?" she said, and started to yell.

"Vera I-" he started, but was interrupted.

"I don't care what you want! What about me? What about my hopes and dreams!?" she screamed.

"You and I are in this together! I have sacrificed everything that you have sacrificed, and I do more around here than you! So don't you tell me about sacrifice, dammit," he said through gritted teeth, and walked away to put Sarah down in her crib. Vera got up and followed him into the room.

"You didn't sacrifice anything. Your family was trailer trash from the beginning Joel, you were always destined to be an uneducated, blue collar worker. That's why I liked you so much! You were so different from me! But I was smart, Joel, oh I was so smart! And now I have _nothing_," she became belligerent, and cried like a mad woman. The words stung him, but he blinked the pain away.

"Please lower your _fucking_ voice...Sarah just stopped crying. Let's take this in the kitchen-" he whispered, and did everything to control his anger, but was interrupted again.

"I'll do whatever_ I damn well please_! I haven't been outside in weeks! I only have you and that demon baby to look at! I'm so sick of it all! _Sick_!" she continued to scream.

"Why are you here then? Please, leave if you'd like, you don't do anything here anyway!" he finally yelled back, and realized he no longer cared about her feelings, but was very shaken by her uncharacteristic behavior.

"No...you leave," she whispered, eyes wild.

"I am not leaving," he argued.

"Leave or I will call the police!" she threatened.

Immediately, Joel took Sarah from the crib and began to pack for the both of them.

"Fine. Sarah and I will leave, and I'll let you rot here alone," he spat.

"You can't take her away!" she yelled, and he began to laugh.

"If I leave her with you, she'll die! You don't feed her, you don't change her diapers, I think you're the reason she's so damn upset all the time. You are a terrible mother!" he finally admitted, and Vera ran out of the room and threw herself on the couch as she began to sob wildly.

Joel was thoroughly embarrassed for his wife, and he was hurt, but his anger and desire to get Sarah to a safe place was more important than Vera's emotions. If she wanted to be selfish, then he would let her wallow on her own self-pity.

As soon as he left the house with Sarah in his arms, however, and he placed her safely in the car, he realized that they had nowhere to go. Broken-hearted, Joel drove through the night and cried at the unfairness and cruelty of the world, as well as shattered dreams, and he swore that he would never raise his child in an environment like that.

* * *

><p>The sun began to rise on the road. They did not love each other when they married, and they would never love each other at this rate. Maybe, just maybe, he could move back in with his mother and Tommy until he got back on his feet. Joel realized that he would need to pack all of his and the baby's belongings, and returned home as dawn began to break in the hope that Vera would still be asleep so that he could leave peacefully.<p>

When he entered the house, however, there was an eerie silence...

Joel ignored this and packed quickly, because Sarah was still in the car. For a moment he wondered if he was over-reacting, but confirmed to himself that this was what was best for both him and Vera. Perhaps she could go on to college now without the burden of a child...she could be happy. Joel, however, was adamant in his mind that Sarah would stay with him, and he knew that deep down Vera could not care in the slightest.

Almost done, Joel entered the bathroom to grab his toothbrush and razor, but was appalled at what he found.

Shocked, he stood there unable to move, and unable to breathe.

Vera's body, pale and lifeless, was in a pool of blood in the bath.

Joel was not sure how long he screamed before he called the ambulance.

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><p><em>Okay dramatic? Yes. I'm sorry if it became too dark. Remember the scene in The Hotel where Joel looks into the bath tub and makes a comment to Ellie about suicide? I don't know, that really stuck with me for some reason. There are also no pictures of her mother, and Joel was especially tender while he dealt with the suicide of Bill's partner. It just made sense to me that this <span>could<span> have occurred. Hopefully, it made sense to you all too._


	4. A Home

_A/N: The events of this chapter mention the epilogue of One Night Live…if you have no idea what that is, I recommend a quick read about it online to understand. Basically, it's set after the end of the game and Ellie appears to be a little distant, though we aren't sure if it's because she is aware that Joel has lied to her or if it's something else on her mind. Also, although we covered Vera's story, six months have passed since they've arrived in Jackson._

* * *

><p><strong>2034<strong>

Joel shuddered awake, sweat lined across his brow, with fear obvious on his face. Nightmares, as common as they were, did not usually consist of memories of his ex-wife. No…that was something that he often forgot, because although tragic, it had never felt as though it were a true loss, especially after Sarah's death. Perhaps he was a heartless bastard for his lack of emotional distress; however, the event of Vera's suicide helped prepare him for the waves of loss, disappointment, and dread that would eventually come to haunt him once the infection ripped his world apart.

As he lay there, and silently contemplated his old memories, he became aware of a certain warmth next to him in bed. Although he knew who it was, he could not help but turn slowly to glance over his shoulder, only to see Ellie asleep next to him. A small smile spread across his face, and he chuckled at their similarities. _Musta' had a bad dream, too_. In their new house, there was definitely enough room for two people to sleep alone, and yet it seemed that more often than not Joel would awake in the middle of the night to find her sound asleep parallel to his body, safe in her own space as though an invisible wall was between them. What was most humorous was that Ellie always made sure to leave the room before he would awaken in the morning, as if it was her own secret routine. Joel never bothered to tell her that he knew, for fear that it might embarrass her or make her feel juvenile. Also, in part, because he felt it was somewhat inappropriate at her  
>age for him to allow it willingly, but he pushed this to the back of his mind.<p>

Jackson had been their new home for roughly six months. After a few weeks of cohabitation with Maria and Tommy, Joel had realized two things: one, that he was extremely unaccustomed to social interaction with a variety of others (not that he had ever been an extrovert), and two, that he and Ellie should quickly find a place of their own. In an attempt to make them feel comfortable, Tommy and Maria had done an exceptional job to include them in the everyday routine of their community, filled with work and play. With that in mind, Maria had also insisted that they live with them until they had felt contented enough to live alone. Joel was ever grateful for their hospitality, but he had to admit that he missed the simplicity of interaction between him and Ellie when it was just the two of them. Not only that, but he also felt it was rude to intrude on the couple for too long.

The house they had selected was a small, ranch-style house that had appeared to be built in the 1970s. At first, Joel was reluctant to choose it, because he felt it was too similar to his past home with Sarah, but the glow and excitement on Ellie's face told him that it was her favorite choice. Not only was it cozy, but also it had a certain decorative flair with earth tones on the inside walls, and most of the furniture inside was in decent condition, which was a rarity. Joel also felt it was right for them because it was quite small, and with just the two of them, he would have felt inappropriate if the house had been a larger. There were many young couples in the community who might have wanted children, and there were also a few larger families. So, although it was never a blatant rule, Joel knew it would be wrong to select anything bigger than a two bedroom/one bath. And in addition to those facts, Joel had never had a taste for anything in  
>excess.<p>

For the first time in years, Joel could feel a small sense of kinship with a community, and comfort in the knowledge that every day had a specific routine. Infected were still a part of life, but they could be almost forgotten for brief periods of time, which was a relief in itself. It certainly was odd that things often seemed…normal…or as normal as they could be. Tommy had even tried to romantically introduce a woman to Joel a few weeks ago, named Esther, and they had attempted to get to know each other on multiple occasions. However, in the back of his mind he just could not allow himself to fully develop a relationship with this new woman. In addition to that, he did not want Ellie to feel like she was not his first priority while he tried to play eligible bachelor in the community. The whole idea filled him with discomfort and mild disgust. _Too old and too worn out for that shit_...

Just last night, in the midst of his doubt, Joel had knocked on Ellie's door to have a conversation about Esther, although he was sure that it was not an in-depth discussion. It was not like he needed permission from a fifteen-year-old girl, but he did feel he owed it to her to at least inform her of what his future intentions may become. Although everything had been great since they had settled, Joel was well aware that she appeared to be more distant than usual, and he was not sure if it was simply his imagination or if it truly was something that they needed to discuss. _Does she know I lied?_ Joel was not one to pry, however, and he felt it was more respectful toward Ellie if he did not try to force emotions out of her. After all, she had always respected him, and they had been through hell together, which was sure to morph the mind of an innocent girl. So, even though he had mentioned Esther to Ellie, he was not sure if she had accepted the idea of a new woman. _That_  
><em>makes two of us…<em>

**(Later That Morning)**

Joel stood in front of the stove, ever thankful for the electricity from the hydroelectric plant, and scrambled some fresh eggs from the chickens in the backyard. Small, quick footsteps traversed down the staircase, and Joel smiled to himself. He felt Ellie's presence get closer, but continued to cook in silence. One thing he had learned here was that in their routine, Ellie was not particularly a morning person.

"Cooking this early?" she managed to mumble, sleep thick in her voice, as she sat at the kitchen table.

"Figured it might help waking you up," Joel chuckled.

"Why…it's Saturday?" she questioned.

"We had a hike planned for today, did you let that slip your mind…" he taunted, though somewhat affected that she had forgotten. He turned around slightly, eyes wide, and Ellie laughed.

"I'm kidding, I didn't forget. And hey, don't lie to me or yourself, this isn't really a hike, it's just to scavenge outside the fence and find more canned goods for the stockpile," she accused, and Joel began to smile again at her sharpness.

"Yeah, you're right, but it don't mean we can't have some fun on the way. Just you and me on our own time, we haven't done anything like that in a while…" he said, and turned toward her optimistically. It was very true, they had been busy since they arrived here.

For some reason these words seemed to damper her mood, for her eyes turned downward, and they were silent until the food was ready.

"You know, if you and Esther decide to take things further, you and I won't be able to spend as much time together, although it's already less than it used to be…" she began, after taking a bite. Joel sat there for a moment, unsure where this would go.

"You're right," he admitted.

"I don't want you to think I'm this jealous little girl, Joel, I just want to know what goes on in your life. And I want to know how it could affect me," she said, very mature for her age.

"Ain't nothing gonna come in between you and I," he promised, and they stared at each other for a while. "…And honestly, Ellie, I don't even know if I can pursue a relationship with this woman," he continued, almost shocked that he had opened discussion to his personal life.

"Well see, that's kinda what I wanted to ask you…" she added, and he cocked his head in confusion.

"Ask me what, exactly?"

"About you having a relationship with Esther. Joel… I know we always promised not to talk about Tess, or Sam, or even Henry…but we aren't hardcore survivors anymore. We're allowed to have emotions, and I feel like you might not have grieved for Tess at all, so if you were to just ignore that and move onto the next woman, well… isn't that wrong?" she expressed, and he was triggered to annoyance but tried his hardest not to reprimand her when she was right. After all, he knew deep down that this was what bothered him most, because what he knew in Tess was not only what he decided was right for him for the rest of his life, but because he had not anticipated life without her. Some time ago, they had planned to settle down.

"Tess and I were…complicated. We weren't exactly together," he admitted.

"Whatever you label it, there was obviously love there, Joel. I saw it, and I know you felt it," she said.

"Now what the hell do you know about love, huh?" he asked, not able to avoid his obvious distaste at her word usage.

"Joel," she said sternly and immediately he knew he was no longer with a child, but a young woman, and the concept floored him beyond comfort.

"…There's a lot involved between Tess and I…"

"You're talking about her like she's alive!" she spat in irritation. Joel was obviously upset, but took a deep breath.

"Before she _died_, there was a lot between Tess and I…more than even I could understand at the time. I'm even more confused now when I look back at it all," he finally admitted.

"Joel, I want to talk about it…" she said, and he agreed with her. Tess, unlike Vera, was the first and last woman that he had ever loved.

"Later," he agreed with a slight nod.

"Joel-" she tried to protest, but was interrupted.

"-We'll talk about it on the hike, Ellie, just not here…I don't want that darkness in my home," he said, and she nodded in agreement. They continued breakfast in comfortable silence.

All morning, Joel prepared his story, and thought back over twenty years to when the outbreak had just started:  
>A man of thirty, hardened like stone, who eventually stumbled upon another damaged soul that was tougher than he ever was, or ever could be.<p>

* * *

><p><em>At least the next 3 chapters will be dedicated to the story of Joel and Tess. I skipped Sarah for the fact that we saw their bond for what it was, a father and a daughter, and we also see bits of his parenting on Ellie throughout the game. I may add more about Sarah later if it seems to fit or if people would like that...<em>

_ALSO...the line about "I don't want that darkness in my home" was pretty much taken from The X-Files...which is my first love before The Last of Us or Assassins Creed._


	5. Boston QZ

_This chapter is vital, and I also thought I'd take it a step further and talk a little bit about Tommy. He will be making a few appearances before he leaves to join the Fireflies (which I also thought I'd explain later)._

* * *

><p><strong>2016<strong>  
><strong>(Three Years After Sarah's Death)<strong>

Joel sat rigid against the bus window, and examined the latest quarantine zone from a sign that stood in front of a large, metal fence:

Boston Quarantine Zone

_Who'd a thought two country boys would eventually end up this far north?_ Joel thought to himself in silence, as it was nearly six o'clock in the morning, and his fellow passengers were asleep. Tommy stirred in sleep next to him in their seat, and Joel looked down on him with sentimental affection._ Maybe Boston is a fresh start…_

Joel knew he had been a terrible companion for the past few years. Not only was he moody and prone to angry outbursts whenever Tommy tried to get him to talk about their experiences, but he had become so focused on survival that he had lost most of whatever human compassion that remained in his heart.

Sometimes Joel thought he might very well become a monster. After Sarah's death, the brothers had been so exasperated with the government's military and the pathetic attempts to save lives, that they avoided the new quarantine zones and tried to make it own their own in the wilderness. Eventually, they met up with a few men who held similar beliefs in Louisiana, and together they formed into what Joel would eventually call "Hunters".

Yes, Joel preyed on the innocent to steal their possessions for keep, but what terrified him most was that he knew it was much more than personal gain that served as motivation. Truth be told, Joel enjoyed the thrill of the kill because it was the only way he could effectively release his rage, frustration, and absolute misery.

The world was a terrible place to live, and humanity had gone to hell, so there was no point to resist the brutality that nature itself attempted to enforce.

At some point a few months ago, however, Joel and Tommy had discovered that the other men had taken to cannibalism during a shortage of food in the winter, against their knowledge and far beyond their comfort level. From this, the brothers decided they had run from what remained of civilization for long enough, and it was past time for them to return to a "normal" life.

Joel was not sure why Tommy continued to bear with his animosity, but assumed he felt some sort of responsibility for their brotherhood, and perhaps even Sarah's death. Then again, those were the only two similarities they now shared, but maybe deep down both of them feared complete isolation more than anything.

"Tommy, we're here," Joel nudged him awake, as the sun had begun to rise. The soldiers would probably wait another thirty minutes to release them into their new home, but Joel felt that it might be a good time to show his brother that he was done with his animalistic attitudes.

"And where would that be?" Tommy mumbled, and stretched in the seat.

"Boston, apparently," Joel replied, still somewhat surprised that they had made it this far. The military had no interest or responsibility to inform people who were involved in quarantine transfers. This was, yet again, just another prime example of a lack for common human decency.

"Well I'll be damned…Boston. You and I never thought we'd end up here," Tommy said, with a smile formed on his face in awe. One of Tommy's best qualities was that he never seemed to hold a grudge, and Joel deeply admired him for that.

"Ain't that the truth, little brother…" Joel remarked, and continued to stare out the window.

Joel very seriously considered an apology for his brother, but the lump in his throat would not allow it to be delivered effectively. Not only was this not the right time or the right place, but also he felt his actions would serve as the true basis for his regret.

* * *

><p>After a few days, and after the brothers had settled nicely in the small, rundown apartment that they were suddenly expected to call home, both were given jobs.<p>

Tommy, who was lucky, was chosen for maintenance inside the zone.

Joel, however, assumed he had received the short end of the stick when he was stuck with outside work duty.

He was not entirely sure how individuals were chosen for their specific positions, but from the looks of all people chosen for his own, it seemed to be filled with more than half of the people who had entered the quarantine zone with them just a few days ago.

In other words, the rookies without the experience or the means to survive outside the zone filled with infected and spores. There was no real job description, and he assumed the latent reason they were there was to keep the infected at bay and to prevent them from wandering near Boston. There was, however, another function…

Inside the zone was more than overcrowded from the looks of things, not to mention that food shortages were as common as the sun rising in the morning. If more people died on the outside, then the military could be more effective and responsible for taking care of the people inside.

Joel, however, was not concerned for his safety, not only because he had lived on the outside for years, but also because death was not a concept that he feared any more.

A bus had arrived early in the morning to take everyone beyond the zone limits, and where that was exactly Joel did not know, but the drive seemed to go on and on. Joel, as true to his nature, sat alone next to the bus window. Soon, however, he felt the seat next to him fill with a presence.

Joel turned his head, uninterested, to find a young woman who eyed him carefully.

"How'd you end up here?" she asked, blunt and to the point. Joel frowned in confusion, as her eyes continued to glare at him with an intense curiosity. It gave him the feeling that she was in search of a soul that he simply lacked.

"Don't quite know, just got here a few days ago," he admitted without interest, and looked out the window to return to his peaceful solitude.

"You don't look wide eyed and bushy tailed like the rest of these people…" she assessed, with a frown on her face.

"Does it _matter_?" Joel turned to her, with an icy glare. The woman looked somewhat surprised at his hostility, but a small, devious smile spread across her face.

"In fact, you look older than me," she said with a chuckle. Smart-ass kid.

"I don't give a flying _fuck_ what you think, I'm just here to do my job," he spat, and stared into her eyes. Not once did she flinch or look away, and Joel had to admit to himself that she had a fire inside her that he had never before encountered.

"Easy there fucker, I'm trying to save your ass," she replied, and Joel winced in annoyance. It appeared, however, that this woman was experienced.

"…Most of these people…they came in the same transfer with me. Why do they have all the rookies stationed on work duty outside the zone?" he asked, and although he knew the answer, he wanted her to confirm it.

"They're lambs being fed to the lions: easy slaughter and distraction for the infected. Less people inside the Boston QZ make it a happier place for everyone," she said, and Joel nodded.

"That's what I thought. Then why are you here? You seem to be experienced," he questioned, now curious.

"The put the less desirable people out here. The new people, the troublemakers, the prostitutes…you get the idea," she explained. Joel raised an eyebrow.

"You're a prostitute?" he questioned, and almost allowed a small smile to spread across his face.

"You kidding me? That's women work," she joked with contempt, but maintained an air of seriousness.

"Then why are you stuck out here with us rookies?" he asked, though he was not sure why he should care.

"I smuggle things," she admitted with small nod.

"Alone?" he questioned, and she seemed to ignore it.

"I can handle myself, Texas. I was just worried about you when we get to where we're going," she explained, and he cringed at her petty nickname.

"Worried how?" he prompted.

"You got a gun on you?" she asked, and his eyes became wide.

"No, I wasn't aware we were allowed to have one," he explained, not aware of policy.

"Aww, that's cute. Do you do what everyone tells you?" she said with sarcasm and a frown.

"Well, do you have a gun?" He questioned, now guilty that he and Tommy had left their guns behind once they had reached civilization.

"Two, actually. Always keep an extra just in case…first rule of survival buddy. Either that or have a partner, but I'm no social butterfly," she explained, and he actually laughed this time at their similarities.

"I, uh, I know about survival. This is my first QZ…I used to live out in the wild with some guys and my brother," he explained, suddenly aware that he had developed a fast bond with another person, and she was a woman at that.

"I knew you had experience, but my God, were you one of those guys who preyed on the innocent?" she asked, eyes narrowed with a smile across her face.

"Yeah," he answered, now with focus on the palms of his hands. It sounded so much worse when someone else said it. A conscience was not something that helped anyone endure the apocalypse, but it was impossible to ignore it at all times.

"A hunter…hmm…well, at least your good with a gun. Here, take this, you're gonna need it when we get to where we're going," she said, and pulled a small revolver from her backpack before she handed it to him. Joel smiled softly in thanks, and received her gift with eager hands.

"What is our 'actual' job description?" he questioned.

"We're supposed to pull weeds and make the environment look pretty. They say it prevents the spread of spores closer to the QZ, but I don't buy it. There are plenty infected out there, so don't be surprised," she warned, and Joel shrugged to dismiss it.

"Why do I need a gun if the military's there?" he asked, and just flashed him an incredulous glare.

"They're dropping us off at the sight, and they come back for us at sundown," she explained, and Joel shook his head.

"Bastards," he spat, and felt bad for the rest of the people who had no idea what was about to happen to them.

In all honestly, although he was good with a gun and had experienced infected before, most of his targets were human. Infected were something that they used to avoid at all costs. To be at close range everyday with them was enough to intimidate, though he would never admit it.

"I think we're here. What's your name, Texas?" she asked, after a long moment of comfortable silence.

"Joel," he said, and outstretched his hand. Her grip was firm and rough.

"Tess," she said, and continued to look around. The bus parked, and the sound of silence filled the bus, before a shrill, ungodly clicking ripped through the quiet. "Clickers…better stick next to me if you wanna save your hide, Joel," she added, before she stood to leave the bus.

_Did this woman just challenge me?_

* * *

><p><em>So…what did you make of the introduction for Tess? I don't think it's unreasonable to say that she eventually becomes Joel's life and first "real" love, although it's never romantic or sappy.<em>


End file.
